where ever

So the holidays are gone. No tree, no lights, no decoration anymore, it's all been done away with yesterday. In the dark of the morning, at around 7. I guess that answers the questions about the lingering spirit, huh? Rewatching Kouhaku, wishing I had a Timeturner and could go back to December, because I actually yearn for the mood...

And trying not to look away, behind the window, because there's - nobody there. I don't like it when you're all gone. The silence makes me shrivel up and feel smaller than I usually do. Insignificant, unimportant. Afraid.

But I'm not sure I like it when one of you shows up and tries to talk to me, either. There's barely anything to relate to, and it's just becoming less and less, too. At the same time, there's just an increasing amount of things to envy all around, and... that just makes me feel like shit. Because, honestly, good for you. I'm happy for you. It's great and all, you do deserve it. Can't help that it amplifies the empty silence though. So I just get angry at myself, angrier than usual, on top of everything else I already hate myself for, more than enough. It's an even shittier feeling.

Or I just feel belittled. Ridiculed. Made fun of. Taken for a fool, a sort of last resort to turn to when there's nothing and nobody else. That is a feeling I know all too well. That is a feeling I've always hated - who doesn't, right?

It's just not good either way.