もう一度、８月17日

Happy birthday, Junya. Again. Your smiles are still beyond the ultimate. YOU are still beyond the ultimate, and that will never change. Thank you for everything.

How quickly has yet another year gone by. And it still hurts, so it's still difficult for me to approach DF again. I can't contribute and that hurts the most. The music I still love and know all the lyrics of. The fanart is still beautiful and awesome, and seeing new ones still popping up gets my eyes all teary. The words... I can't even read the words, much less communicate. That hurts too. So I'm just here, all quiet, infinitely grateful, observing, spreading the love however I can. Thank you, fans.

きっと忘れない。約束よ！

ドリフェス！ Incomprehensible

More than a year now since we had to say goodbye to the DF app... And it still hurts just as much. And at that time, at least there was a final live to look forward to. And the obscure Chinese version of the app as well. The shutdown itself was incomprehensible enough: the fanbase was obviously strong and obviously in love with the franchise. Despite the mourning, people remained as active and dedicated as before...

And in the time since then, Bandai continued to organise events and release stuff for (limited) purchase. Not necessarily cheap stuff, either. On one hand: sure, it's understandable, they want to make money. But then why shoot down the entirety of DF at all? The fact that there are enough people out there to buy up whatever they organise/release so that they still make a profit off it should be proof enough that things aren't as lost as they may or may not believe. On the other hand... I can't help feeling insulted by it. Sure, fans want as much stuff about their favourites as possible, before said favourites go away. Especially if them going away is already decided. So sure, give them what they want. But doing so after the way they handled the shutdown? That even the people involved in making things had not been aware of it before the actual announcement? And releasing even more stuff afterwards that wasn't even in the plans back then? Uh. Yeah. Sorry. As nice as all the extras are, at this point you're just disgustingly milking a desperate fanbase for every yen they have.

But what's more is after the quiet, dormant period and obscure (lack of?) news - it's now announced that the awaited Chinese version of the app is not happening either. It's just ... gone. With all the development that's went into it, because apparently quite a bit of development did go into it, you decide against releasing it. Robbing us from another "last straw" escape from the harsh realities of the franchise being gone. Pulling the rug from under our feet one more time, in the same abrupt manner as before.

I have no words. The fact that it hurts should have been evident for the past years... if it still isn't, I don't know what else to say. So lost.

I would say it would be nice to see the app, as a whole, with all its bells and whistles, and all the events and songs progressively playable/unlockable as a PS4 game at least..... That could remain for posterity. But I know that it would be an immense undertaking to port it from Android/iOS. And, unfortunately, I also know that with the PS5 just over the horizon now, the timing couldn't be worse to just start thinking about a PS4 release.

Missing

Missing someone isn't replying "I miss you too", once in a month, to messages they send.

Missing someone is wanting to find the time, or even make the effort to make time to meet, or at least talk to them. To discuss what's been going on in your lives. To do things together. Things that you've both enjoyed, that've gotten you together in the first place. Because, yes, life goes on and shit happens all the time. But if you miss someone, it means you're interested in them and you want to spend time with them.

Missing someone isn't having them on a list and not bothering to contact them, only to barely wave back at them when they eventually try to reach out to you.

開設して1年が経ちました

One year since one week after the announcement - it took me that long last year to process it and gather my thoughts and feelings and be able to write about it. 

Happy birthday to the blog, I suppose. 

I've been rewatching DF... It is difficult not to tear up during certain scenes. OP/ED are still especially painful, but then again, I can hardly listen to any of the music anymore.

Sigh.

"The 1th anniversary"

Even Sadness fits, I suppose. If anyone gets that reference at all.

But yes, today marks the anniversary of the beginning of the end for Dream Festival. I can't forget. I won't forget. I don't want to let them fade away... I hope others won't let it either. Still seeing fanart, still seeing memories, still seeing photos... It's good. Reassuring. Keep it up, please.

As for me, I can but start re-watching the anime. Seeing Junya goading Kanade into trying out for something he says he doesn't want is still as hilarious as it was the first time. And, well, Junya is Junya. Forever love.

New year, new ??

It's a little weird how things just come together to remind me of the past, just around this time of the year. And it's not even due to any particular "rediscover this day" or "n years ago today" feature of any service I use. No. Just internet, pure and simple.

I see a post commemorating the 10th anniversary of KnB. I haven't been with the series for that long, not even half that time - I'm also pretty sure I haven't even much of the official material that exists. Yet, when I actually started watching the anime... There were good things around.

Haikyuu!!'s fourth season is announced. When I started watching that, I was still attending Japanese classes. Still had my group. The way it aired, the actual time I got to watch it was early morning before I headed out to class. That half-asleep state, waking up while watching a new episode of an anime, so it's pretty much stuck in my head for the rest of the morning, including most of my class... Good things.

Tumblr did a stupid yesterday and emailed me about being tagged in a post. By a particular Haikyuu!! blogger I've not heard of for years. Turned out the post I was tagged in was made three years ago. They were one of those people who could really effortlessly boost me, get me to do stuff, inspire me. I liked having them around. I remember one particular morning I was waiting for my group mates before our Japanese class. It was cold outside, they were late, it was way past their bedtime but they were still online - the only person I could talk to. And they kept me company. Back then I still had good things around.

I also got an old post of mine flagged on an old, old account of mine on Tumblr. What with their new rules and all. And I went to check and... Hm. Yes. Another person I loved talking to, who's mostly out of my life now because - I don't even know why. Just fade away, grow apart, and it takes more than what's considered to be worth it to rectify that, I suppose? But it's another reminder of another nice thing I used to have.

Now... I dunno. People disappeared. The few that remain are always too busy and/or too tired. Like I'm just not worth their time and energy. That feeling that everything is one-way only, that I'm the only one always making the effort to try to communicate and get us to do things together? It's growing more and more intense every day.

FINAL STAGE vs. ENDLESS STAGE

I'm cold and it seems like the gods decided to mourn too - in other words, it's raining over here. Which at least seems to give an actual autumnal vibe to the weather, at least. But that's neither here, nor there...

This week's been so weird. Everything seems to be a slow process: waking up, getting anything done, progressing from morning to evening, watching whichever TV show or anime. They feel like they take forever to finish, and perhaps it's because I can't really enjoy any of it, because it doesn't really keep me engaged at all? Perhaps it's because I can't even discuss any of it with anyone anymore, because there's nobody around?

I've asked this before, but it's on my mind once again: how are you expected to celebrate something that you know is gonna end?

A friend's a grandma is actually dying, after an incident last weekend she wasn't even expected to live through this week. It's strangely coincidental, this vague parallel... in a way even disturbing. Certainly doesn't help put my mind at ease, if anything it upsets me more. I should be there for them more, even if all I can do is listen - but I find I can barely even do that just now. 

Tried a larger game community too... After reading through the novel-length abouts & rules & guidelines, and looking through everything, and watching conversations from afar, and discovering how people I thought I've known are so well-connected and integrated - I ended up leaving after about a day. It's happened too many times: watching things unfold, trying to get involved and noticed but only being ignored, it sort of becomes this giant weight that just crushes me and becomes too much to put up with (or to ignore), and so I rather just break away. Not that that's good either. I'm just even colder and more uncomfortable in the dark silence. And that game I've been a lot worse at than usual, failing a bunch of stuff I didn't use to fail.

And DF? I have the music playing - muted, because it hurts. I can't stand even opening Twitter this week. I'm used to all the moon runes, but now it's all DF all the time, and - I know I shouldn't see it. Another thing I couldn't be a part of, and yet it hurts too much because despite that it's meant so much. At least some of the final merch I could actually obtain....... if only I had enough money on my account, which won't happen until November, by which time everything will, most probably, be sold out. I actually have the banknotes here in my hand.

Final stage... A certain game uses "stages" for its event, stage as in phase/tier/level of course, but that's a minor detail. After completing the story, there's the "extra" or "bonus" or whatever you want to call it: Endless Stage, because it can be done continuously until the whole event actually concludes. 

ALL FOR TOMORROW!!!!!!! should have been an Endless Stage, instead of a final one. The future shouldn't be final.